Mario Kart Tour is Mario Kart Poor

So today, the long awaited Mario Kart Tour finally released.  I was hoping against hope that it wouldn't end up being another gacha-riddled microtransaction infused mess of a game like previous Nintendo titles.  It was hoping it was going to be more along the lines of Super Mario Run, while although simple, felt like a self-contained game.

It's what we all feared it would be.  Before I really rip into it, let me first talk about the good things in the game.  Out of all mobile Nintendo games, Mario Kart Tour most closely resembles the look and feel of a mainstream Nintendo title.  Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp was pretty good in this area, too, but it lacked visual impact.  There also seems to be a lot of cups, or tours as they're called in this game, so it sounds like the game will be continuously updated with more content as well.  That's always a plus.

Now, for the downside.  Again, hoping against hope this wasn't going to be a gacha game, the very first thing I had to do was... pull a gacha (I don't know if that's the term for randomly pulling a character or what).  The game does not start you out with a roster of characters to pick from.  That is blasphemy.  I'm not asking for the entire roster, but not even Mario is available at the start!  Anyway, I ended up pulling Toad.  All the carts, gliders, etc., are obtained by this method, or buying them with coins.  The cheapest thing I saw in the shop was 800 coins, and I've done two complete tours and haven't even hit 200 yet.   There's a reason for that....

Don't want to keep grinding?

So yeah, the game's designed to nickle and dime you, and it does so without shame. There's also a weird point system that determines a jump start you get in points at the end of a race.  In order to unlock more tours, you need to gather the required number of stars and in order to get stars, you need to reach certain point levels.  The more you race as a character, kart and glider, the more they'll level up and the more points they'll start off with.

Since this is a gacha game, everything that you pull has different ranks.  The rarer the rank, the more points will be given to the character, kart or glider you use.  So far, I've hit my star rating at max every race, but I can only imagine the requirements getting tighter the further you go.  This would definitely entice someone to buy rubies, MKT's premium currency, in order to start pulling in the hopes of landing some gold characters if they don't want to keep grinding to level up their stuff for more points.  There's also banners that focus on certain characters for a limited time so I'm guessing that if you aren't pulling during that time frame, your odds of getting that character will become much lower. That's what really irks me about this game.  It sounds like you need to pull your characters and get lucky to start getting them all versus just playing the game long enough, like any regular Mario Kart game.

But let's talk about the gameplay.  It's designed to play in quick bursts, like most mobile games, so races are very short.  I haven't figured out if I'm actually racing against real people or just bots with real people's account names, but so far, the competition has been pretty lazy.  I've won first in most races, and even the race I came in third on, I still somehow managed to get a five star ranking, which was really weird.

The gameplay is instantly familiar.  You've got item boxes, coins, item combat, obstacles and power drifting and speed boosts, but how you play has all been dumbed way down.  This is an auto-accelerated game, and you swipe your finger back and forth in order to steer.  Jump boosts are done for you automatically, as well as drifting.  No hoping is needed.  I felt like a zombie playing this game with only my thumb.  It's just so damn dull.  It also doesn't help that you can't play it horizontally, as that narrows the field of vision.  But well, every mobile gamer you see plays almost exclusively in vertical.

The tracks that I've come across have been mostly from other Mario Kart games.  Yoshi Circuit, Daisy Hills, Mario Circuit 1, Rock Rock Mountain, etc.  There's only one new track that I've come across set in New Donk City, and this is actually upsetting me.  I've been dying for a new Mario Kart game since 8 on the Wii U (no, 8DX on Switch does not count) and the first time I get a new Mario Kart track is in a mobile game?!

It just feels like I'm being condescended with this game.  They can't even trust me enough to control my own acceleration.  You also can't drive off the track so you're basically just playing bowling with bumpers on.  They should have just let it auto steer as well so all us drone-like mobile gamers have to do is tap the screen when we get an item and sit back and collect our points.

Now, the argument to be made is that I shouldn't be expecting an actual Mario Kart game because this is a mobile game, but my counterargument is that just because it's on mobile doesn't mean it HAS to be a typical mobile game. There are plenty of in-depth games out there on mobile.  Hell, even full-sized games from the past like Final Fantasy VII and Grand Theft Auto 3 are on mobile.  Nintendo games shouldn't be dumbed down for mobile gamers, but it just seems that no one thinks mobile gamers want more than quick tap games with a potent injection of microtransaction gacha shit.  The money from mobile gaming all comes from the MTs, and Nintendo tried to sell us a game for 10 dollars outright, but no one bought it. Now, they're back to pitching us free to pl... SORRY!  Free to START games and the whales will just support them.

I've never understood the psychology behind that.  Why on Earth would you rather spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars on cheap mobile crap games when you could just buy them for 5, 10, 20 bucks?  Hell, there's even a 5 dollar a month subscription service for Mario Kart Tour called Gold Pass that not only gives you exclusive perks, but is the ONLY way to unlock the 200cc mode!  That's right, you need to pay five dollars MONTHLY to access a mode that was available from the very start with MK8DX.  If you still play this with the gold pass for a year, you just paid 60 bucks right there. Imagine still playing this for years on end... If you think I'm going to pay a monthly sub for any mobile game, you're out of your fucking mind. But no, a lot of schmucks are going to pay this because of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).  Weak-willed gamers with holes in their pockets.

I'll still play it, though, just because I'm curious to see what kind of new tracks there will be, but they're already repeating, which isn't a good sign.  Part of me is wondering why I even bother as they just wouldn't be all that exciting with such basic controls, but who knows?  Maybe Mario Kart 9 will take these new tracks and put them in a fleshed out Mario Kart game. As it stands, this is Nintendo's biggest missed opportunity in the mobile industry.  They really could have made a fantastic Mario Kart, but instead decided to sell its soul for the sake of a quick buck.

I want to close with this video from DreamcastGuy.  He echoes almost all my sentiments on the game.  Also note the like to dislike ratio.  A lot of people are actually defending this game because it's free, and those people I say: